Lighten up while you still can.

The other morning, as I stretched after a morning jog, I noticed that I could hear the sound of traffic off in the distance. I was on my back porch and the traffic must have been from Randall road, at least a mile over. It was then that I realized that I enjoy that sound, the sound of traffic and cars.

When I lived in New York City, there was a constant sound of cars from First Avenue four floors down from where I would sit or sleep. It was a comfort and a constant. When I lived at my parent’s house as a teenager I would sleep with the window of my bedroom open, listening to the sound of cars at night streaming down Lake Street in Addison Illinois. New York’s traffic was a comfort maybe for that very reason, it was familiar.

Now, hearing the traffic it’s the same comfort. I live and work near so much traffic, even when I’m at home in the far West Suburbs of Chicago. There I would have thought I could escape it, that it would elude me because of how far from an urban area I am. The truth is, maybe deep down I’m listening for it.

Today is the last day at my current job, the one I’ve held for almost a year and a half now. I won’t go into why I’m leaving this job other than things changed enough that I needed to make sure I found something different before I became much more miserable or worse I became much more complacent with familiar comfort with the small things at work that didn’t make me miserable. Either way, it’s my final day here. Yesterday was my last day at the other site. There were “goodbyes” and “see you laters” and words of separation.

I’m no good with that. Then again, in sobriety, this is all new to me. I could easily blur the thoughts and feelings of leaving out before by doing the actions then removing the consequences of my emotions and thoughts with drinking or drugs.

Thinking clearly now, I can see part of the anxiety that I’m feeling over this change is that I’m seeing now that people can get on without me. Before, when I was using, it was all about how it effected me, how leaving would mean people would miss me and wish me there. It would be able how they couldn’t move on because I was removed. Essentially, they would be lost because I was gone. Seeing reality now, part of what is on my mind is that time and people will move on. Things won’t fall apart without me. While some will miss me, the world will keep turning on the same path it did before. This is new thinking to me. I realized it this morning while laying in bed before starting my final day.

I’ve been trying not to be contemplative and, in doing so, I’ve been more contemplative internally and now am catching up to where I am.

This morning, I got out of my car in the parking lot of the Downers Grove office of this company for the last morning arrival. In the background the sound of traffic from the tollways and busy highways that surround this office park was deafening inside my head, though it was the normal quiet background noise in the real world. I really liked that part of this job, the location and the sights and sounds. I liked the way the sky and the sound of traffic always fit, even though every time I looked and listened it was different.WP_20141031_09_24_32_ProInside and outside the office is different. There are different feelings for me. This phone, on the top of the picture, stopped me in my tracks. I put that phone there as a spare. I would be the one that would put that phone on a desk or answer for the phone if it was to be used.

Now who will? It doesn’t matter. I’m the one that’s doing the moving on. The phone will be there or it won’t. What is important is where I am.


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